4 months that you are gone Momsie

Every day I think about you still.

It is strange, almost painful, how everyone & everything moves on, even without you.

Life simply must move forward, uncaring about any feelings, uncaring about the time needed to heal.

Hope you are well Momsie. Shahtaj aunty, Shabreen, Razia aunty, all of them have dreamt of you. Me, not yet. Its okay. I do not know if I would be able to bear it to see you & talk to you in my dream, then wake up to a world without you.

I have now been to a therapist for grief counselling. Am making remarkable progress. I can go about daily life easily. I no longer panic at the slightest cold or cough of Ridhaan. I do not constantly think about you in every moment of silence. But there is still work to be done.

I cannot bear to call Dad. talking to him reminds me that he is alone, that you arent there. I cannot get myself to msg Raghib. All my memories are stuck in the last few weeks with you. I cannot remember joyful earlier memories. They will come. With time I guess. Time forces us to forget everything.

Yesterday a friend called me a motherless child. She meant to be kind. Meant to say that she understands I might be lonely. It hurt like a knife to my heart. I dont think I am a motherless child. I had you for 72 years. Anytime I needed you you were there. When I was sick you showed up, when I was sad you listened. When I fought with praveen i always knew I could go back home to you. And now I have you too. Just a bit far away i think. But I still have you. Even beyond the grave you remain my mother, dont you? I am not motherless. Just separated from my mother.

Dad is trying to move forward too. He spent Eid at your grave. I wanted to pray during Eid, send you the prayers. I could not. Somewhere in my heart I am angry to have lost you. It doesnt make sense. I had beautiful, healthy, happy times with you. I need to process the anger. The thing I remember most often, is me taking a photo of you standing in your bedroom. You looking skinny as hell.

And I asked... will you come with me to hyderabad Momsie, if I take you? And you gave me your big smile and said - I will come wherever you take me bitiya. I dont know what went wrong, maybe I should have been stronger, just taken you. maybe there was no point in taking you... I dont know. The last weeks with you are filled with so much regret & hurt momsie. I wish you could forgive me. I tried my best, I really did. But somehow at the end I didnt manage it. Please forgive me momsie. I wish I had second chances. Please forgive me & Dad, and all of us... we tried our best momsie. But our best wasnt enough.